Carolyn and readers are both nicer and more helpful than I am
One example: On a visit last week, my 3-year-old was listening to an audiobook that mimicked animal sounds. On multiple occasions, Ellen mentioned that she was concerned the book was too stimulating for my daughter. Each time, I told her it wasn’t and said my daughter had my permission to listen until dinner. By the second or third time she brought this up, it became clear to me Ellen was the one overwhelmed by the sounds.
If she'd just stated that — “Hey, I'm getting tired of elephant noises!” — then I would have happily told my daughter to pack it up. But when I said, “Ellen, it sounds like you might be getting annoyed by the toy and prefer it be put away?” she immediately insisted, “Oh no! I just think Granddaughter doesn't like it! She thinks it's too overwhelming!” I responded, “For the last time: She plays with this all the time, and she’s not overstimulated,” but then five minutes later we were back to, “She must find that toy so noisy and confusing!”
Many, many interactions are this way, and I don’t know how to react. I want Ellen to just say what she wants, rather than hiding behind the projected emotions of her grandkids, kids or her husband. It feels ridiculous to go along with an obviously untrue story, but it also feels ridiculous to tell my mother-in-law, “Sorry, Ellen! I'm not going to make Janie put away the toy that obviously bothers you unless you admit it bothers you!” Do you have any advice for navigating these conversations?
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agonyaunt2025-09-03 09:48 amhavocthecat) wrote in pokestop2025-09-02 05:06 pmKanto Region...again?
Though I won't be making 50 by October. And I've heard from the SilphRoad folks that the XP timed research track only gives 7mil XP so that won't make much of a dent in anything at this level.
I almost hope I have a reason to stop playing sometimes, except it does get me motivated to get out and walking.
redbird) wrote in thisfinecrew2025-09-02 04:26 pmSeptember check-in poll
On August 6,
hermionesvioln posted about a ballot measure to restore voting rights for people in prison: Massachusetts Universal Voting Restoration: https://thisfinecrew.dreamwidth.org/314335.htmlAugust 7, I posted about calling RFK Jr about covid vaccine access:
https://thisfinecrew.dreamwidth.org/314506.html
August 13,
fabrisse asked people to contact our senators and congressmembers about the presence of the National Guard in Washington, DC:https://thisfinecrew.dreamwidth.org/314678.html
August 27,
watersword posted about a bill to make wage theft a federal felony:https://thisfinecrew.dreamwidth.org/315039.html
On August 30th, I posted about covid vaccine access at pharmacies, which is partly a state-level issue:
https://thisfinecrew.dreamwidth.org/315293.html
Thanks to everyone who posted.
Here's a poll to tell us what you've been doing:
In the past month, I
called one or both of my senators
6 (35.3%)
called my member of Congress
8 (47.1%)
called my governor
4 (23.5%)
called my mayor, state representative, or other local official
4 (23.5%)
did get-out-the-vote-work, such as text banking or post carding
1 (5.9%)
voted
0 (0.0%)
sent a postcard/email/letter/fax to a government official or agency
8 (47.1%)
went to a protest
2 (11.8%)
attended an in-person activist group
1 (5.9%)
went to a town hall
1 (5.9%)
participated in phone or online training
2 (11.8%)
participated in community mutual aid
2 (11.8%)
donated money to a cause
11 (64.7%)
worked for a campaign
1 (5.9%)
did textbanking or phonebanking
0 (0.0%)
took care pf myself
9 (52.9%)
not a US citizen, but worked in solidarity in my community
1 (5.9%)
committed to action in the coming month
3 (17.6%)
did something else (tell us about it in comments)
1 (5.9%)
As always, everyone is free to make posts about any issues and actions they think the comm should know about. You can also drop some information into a comment to our sticky post if you'd like the mods to do it.
If you're looking for information on anything else, you can use our tags to check for any ongoing actions or resources relevant to the issues you care about. I (#redbird) try to keep the tag list up-to-date. If you need a tag added, you can DM me.
nanila) wrote2025-09-02 02:42 pm1SE for August 2025
Despite all the Welsh holiday footage, Astro managed to sneak in here quite a lot. Meeting the talkative long-eared owl was one of the highlights. She had many and varied opinions.
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dw_maintenance2025-08-31 07:37 pmCode deploy happening shortly
Per the dw_news post regarding the MS/TN blocks, we are doing a small code push shortly in order to get the code live. As per usual, please let us know if you see anything wonky.
There is some code cleanup we've been doing that is going out with this push but I don't think there is any new/reworked functionality, so it should be pretty invisible if all goes well.
Two letters in the same column
1. Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I have an 8-year-old daughter, “Amanda.” Amanda loves to sing, but if I’m honest, her voice is awful. I’ve learned to tolerate it. But my husband tells her to stop every time she sings in his presence, and it hurts her feelings. In response to my telling him as much, he says her singing is like fingernails on a chalkboard, so he shouldn’t be expected to “endure” it. When I suggested we get her some singing lessons, he said he didn’t want to “waste money on a lost cause.” Should I sign her up anyway?
—Vocally Challenged
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2. Dear Care and Feeding,
My parents divorced when I was 13. Within a year, my dad married my stepmom, who had a son who was 2 at the time, and a little over a year later, they had my half-sister, “Anna.” Anna’s birthday was two weeks ago, and I bought her a Nintendo Switch 2 (I discussed it with my dad and stepmom ahead of time, and they agreed to it).
The problem is that Anna’s half-brother, “Jacob,” has more or less appropriated it for himself, and Anna has called me up saying she has been able to use it all of three times since I gave it to her.
Jacob has literally taken it for himself—as in it’s in his room and Anna can’t access it. My dad and stepmom seem to think this is perfectly acceptable and have made no effort to make Jacob return it to Anna. I wouldn’t have a problem if Anna were sharing it with Jacob, but I didn’t buy the gaming system for it to be given over to him. I am ready to ask my dad and stepmom to either make him return it to Anna or reimburse me for the cost of it so I can buy her a new one. Thoughts?
—Confiscated Console
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Mississippi site block, plus a small restriction on Tennessee new accounts
A reminder to everyone that starting tomorrow, we are being forced to block access to any IP address that geolocates to the state of Mississippi for legal reasons while we and Netchoice continue fighting the law in court. People whose IP addresses geolocate to Mississippi will only be able to access a page that explains the issue and lets them know that we'll be back to offer them service as soon as the legal risk to us is less existential.
The block page will include the apology but I'll repeat it here: we don't do geolocation ourselves, so we're limited to the geolocation ability of our network provider. Our anti-spam geolocation blocks have shown us that their geolocation database has a number of mistakes in it. If one of your friends who doesn't live in Mississippi gets the block message, there is nothing we can do on our end to adjust the block, because we don't control it. The only way to fix a mistaken block is to change your IP address to one that doesn't register as being in Mississippi, either by disconnecting your internet connection and reconnecting it (if you don't have a static IP address) or using a VPN.
In related news, the judge in our challenge to Tennessee's social media age verification, parental consent, and parental surveillance law (which we are also part of the fight against!) ruled last month that we had not met the threshold for a temporary injunction preventing the state from enforcing the law while the court case proceeds.
The Tennesee law is less onerous than the Mississippi law and the fines for violating it are slightly less ruinous (slightly), but it's still a risk to us. While the fight goes on, we've decided to prevent any new account signups from anyone under 18 in Tennessee to protect ourselves against risk. We do not need to block access from the whole state: this only applies to new account creation.
Because we don't do any geolocation on our users and our network provider's geolocation services only apply to blocking access to the site entirely, the way we're implementing this is a new mandatory question on the account creation form asking if you live in Tennessee. If you do, you'll be unable to register an account if you're under 18, not just the under 13 restriction mandated by COPPA. Like the restrictions on the state of Mississippi, we absolutely hate having to do this, we're sorry, and we hope we'll be able to undo it as soon as possible.
Finally, I'd like to thank every one of you who's commented with a message of support for this fight or who's bought paid time to help keep us running. The fact we're entirely user-supported and you all genuinely understand why this fight is so important for everyone is a huge part of why we can continue to do this work. I've also sent a lot of your comments to the lawyers who are fighting the actual battles in court, and they find your wholehearted support just as encouraging and motivating as I do. Thank you all once again for being the best users any social media site could ever hope for. You make me proud and even more determined to yell at state attorneys general on your behalf.
redbird) wrote in thisfinecrew2025-08-30 10:34 amCovid vaccine access at pharmacies
In Massachusetts, New Mexico, and Nevada, state law says pharmacists can’t give vaccines that aren’t CDC-approved. In another 13 states, they can, but it requires a prescription.
UPDATE Sept. 3rd--the governor of Massachusetts has issued an executive order overriding that, effectively writing a prescription for everyone aged 5 and over.
These are state laws, so call your state respresentatives.
Here’s a script, and the Massachusetts phone numbers:
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This is in addition to calling your doctor’s office (if you have one) to ask for the vaccine.
sporky_rat) wrote in pokestop2025-08-29 08:15 am
A return!
Anyone still around in this land of "wow that is so much backed up research, good gravy"?
(no subject)
My parents preferred my siblings my whole life. I was never abused, but they just weren’t as interested in me. They said my school events were too boring, but went to every game my siblings played in. I had everything I needed at home; I never went without food or essentials. But I didn’t get much attention, and I never got focused on time together like my siblings did.
They gave me a small amount of help with college, but I also took out loans and got scholarships. Both my siblings got fully paid for undergraduate degrees. I got a $200 check to help me with my first home, while both siblings got fully covered 20 percent down payments. They prioritized my siblings emotionally and financially, and eventually, I accepted that it wasn’t changing.
I dealt with this through therapy, and building my own support network of friends. My husband and I are close with his parents. My dad passed away during the pandemic. My mom died suddenly a few months ago, and I’m still processing it. I really wish we could have been close, and knowing that the door is closed forever hurts. She hired a professional to manage her estate, and I assumed she would do in death what she did in life. I didn’t expect to receive much.
Instead, I’m apparently receiving 3/4 of her estate, and an apology. It’s not millions, but it is shocking and I don’t know what to think. My siblings, with whom I’ve had a vague, surface-level relationship as adults, are furious. My husband says it’s late but deserved, while my siblings say it’s selfish and clearly Mom wasn’t in her right mind. Meanwhile, I’m just sad that she didn’t act in life, and instead left me an apology after death. How do I handle this?
—Sad on the Seacoast
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watersword) wrote in thisfinecrew2025-08-27 03:47 pmTell your reps to support the Don't STEAL Act.
The Don’t Stand for Taking Employed Americans’ Livings (Don’t STEAL) Act is being reintroduced to Congress; it would make wage theft a felony nationwide.
Wage theft costs American workers more than $50 billion annually. That is more than the value of all robberies, burglaries, and motor vehicle thefts combined.
Contact your representative and tell them to co-sponsor and commit to voting yes on this.
You Can Be Warm Without an Embrace
I recently saw an occasional collaborator — with whom I’ve built a nice rapport — at a concert. When I approached him, I instinctively went in for a hug. His body stiffened, and he kept his arms at his sides. I thought: Oh, this was a mistake! I backed off, and we exchanged pleasantries. But his response felt excessive and rude. Should I let this go?
FRIEND
It’s easy to feel defensive — or chastened — when we accidentally overstep with friends. But it is wrong to blame others for our unwanted touching. Your collaborator had no obligation to return your hug or to make you feel better about it. So, to answer your question: No, you shouldn’t let this go. Instead, rethink your instinct to hug people who you aren’t sure will welcome it.
zero to nuclear?
Last year, my wife’s fourth adult child died so I inherited her 3-year-old.
We had nine people in our home. I am not their father but tried to give them an opportunity in life until I realized they didn’t want help getting on their feet, they wanted to be taken care of.
So, I filed eviction on all of them. This obviously created some hard feelings and things got very ugly. I’ve decided to cut all ties with my wife’s family due to this which obviously causes problems for her because I will not attend family functions, holidays, etc. Do you think I am wrong to do so?
— Stepfather
Stepfather: My first question is, where is your wife in all of this? I don’t know the financial setup of your marriage, of course, but the home you live in is also her home so one would think that she gets a say in who gets to live there and who gets evicted, particularly if they’re her own children. And maybe there was more joint discussion about the adult children not contributing enough to the household — nine is a lot of people — but it reads like some of these decisions were unilateral and that can cause a lot of conflict.
There are many people who don’t have smooth relationships with in-laws. Sometimes that’s unavoidable. But your wife is your family, and so her family is your family. Refusing to engage with them puts her in an impossible position. Who is she supposed to choose?
You don’t have to let them live with you, but more conversation will be helpful here. Getting into the habit of making joint decisions with your wife, even if it requires more compromise than you’d ideally like, will help your marriage. And finding a way past some of the animosity with her adult kids will help everyone.
(no subject)
Two examples in the past week: Jane is enjoying running and sliding in socks on our wood floors. I tell her she might bump into something so maybe take the socks off. She ignores me and within a minute has bumped her head and shoulder into the wall and bursts into tears. Last night she was chewing on a pen that had a little pompom on a chain. I tell her to stop or it will break. She continues chewing and somehow latches the clasp on a small gap between her teeth. It gets stuck, takes my husband and me about 10 minutes of holding her down screaming so we can unhook it.
In cases like these, I really want to say something after she calms down, like, “Honey, I give you warnings to stop something because I don’t want you to get hurt.” My husband feels like a lecture after she’s been crying isn’t going to help. Who is right?
— Natural Consequences
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